Dust Bowl

July, so far, has been a month of flux for me. There are many things in the works and the dust is still in the air.

Some things that are happening:

• Still (mostly) plugging away at the Whole30. Results on that front next week. And I'm starting the 21 Day Fix on the 20th. *Big Scared Grin*
• Graduate school has been applied to, interview had, and acceptance letter hopefully in the mail, along with a financial aid package, likely chock full of student loans. Yay? 
• Spiritual stirrings are afoot. My personal belief system is not something I like to discuss publicly. I will happily talk religion and spirituality, in fairly general terms, all day long, but the depth of my beliefs and how they work aren't something I really like to discuss, at least not in this public of a forum. However, things have been happening my heart, and it would seem dishonorable to not mention them if I'm going to list things that are "happening." 
• My mom and I are working on a project together. We are meeting once a week to work on it. If I say any more my mom will kill me. But, okay, I will also mention it's awesome. 
•  I have started teaching my summer classes. I am teaching a legit, several student, need a lesson plan, have to write stuff on the board math class (if you took a math class with me in high school try not to laugh to hard). I'm also pulling together three reasonably individualized novel studies and trying to get a handful of students through as much of the HiSET as possible before mid-August. God help us all.
• I ran two miles yesterday without stopping. I haven't done that in about a year. I love my body and all it can do. 

I'm looking forward to the dust settling and seeing the lay of the land. Until then, keeping my face covered and hoping for the best.

Everything Floats

The day has been hot and as I fall into the cool water, much, besides my sweat and the ache in my muscles, is shed.

I float. Every bit of me floats, and I smile as I look down. It is dark, the murmur of NPR in the background, and no one can see. In this moment, as I am entwined in my cocoon during my transformation, I love my body. I am allowed to love it, and not because I am alone, or that it is so dark, or because I must, but because I want to. It's an easy love, and I dive back into the water, letting it glide over my skin.

I decide that I am done with the self-loathing. I had told myself to stop this a long time ago, have talked about it, I think even written about it, but this time I know that it's really gone.

It's nice to hear, but I don't need those compliments any more. I don't want approval from anyone. I will just happily wear my skin, my muscles and bones, my fat, and I will love it. I will watch it change, too. I will watch it like one watches a sunrise, in aw of each phase and its beauty, until the sun is fully risen and we can't imagine it any other way.

Yes, everything floats when I'm in the water, but that only makes it easier to see, better to admire.

Feeling a Little Down and Out (Or Up and Bloated)

Last year, at this time, I was in the process of losing a whole bunch of weight. I was approaching the lowest weight I'd been in years. Since then I've gained it all back...and then some. It sucks. I sucks so hard, because I know exactly what my problem is and I can't seem to fix it. I've talked to my doctor, to a nutritionist, and to a counselor and I don't know what it is about my situation that I can't seem to work around. I just want to eat, I want to eat a lot, and I want to eat terribly unhealthy things.

There are days where I wish I could just not eat. Like, not necessarily become anorexic or something, but just get to a point where I could happily sustain myself on air and light, like Human Barbie.

This was meant to be funny, but the more I look at it and read what I've written, I realize it's just kinda sad.

There are days where I wish I could just go live in the woods and live on the land - it'd be substantially healthier and I'd be so inept at getting myself food I'd lose weight anyway.

And I know these are totally unhealthy thoughts, and no I'm going to start starving myself or throwing up or doing anything that is patently proven that I shouldn't, but I reach these moments were I feel terribly desperate for something to change, but I feel entirely incapable, like that I've forgotten how to lose weight, how to treat myself well, and how to care. I'm hoping with the extra time I'll have over the summer I'll be able to find how to do this all again.

Deja Vu

Two years ago I lost about forty pounds between January and May. I ate well, exercised, and felt so amazing and so proud. That May, I got pregnant and promptly began to put weight back on, little by little. When I had M. the following February, I very slowly took the weight I gained during my pregnancy off.

Honestly, if I had exercised and ate right just as I had before I had gotten pregnant, I'd lost my pregnancy weight a lot faster, and then some. Instead I fell back on old and very bad habits, and while my weight went down, I'm finding myself, two years after the beginning of my initial weight-loss journey (which I started mainly in preparation for pregnancy), about ten or so pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant.

So, here I am at the beginning of a new year, having committed myself to making better choices with my food and my activities (and with a very early birthday gift of snowshoes coming from my parents), and I'm wondering if I can't have that repeat success of a couple years earlier. If I lose a similar amount of weight between now and May, just as I did before, I'll weigh less than I did in high school. I know my weight, in the end, is less important than continually making healthy choices and creating healthy habits for my family. But...I care about that damned number on the scale and on my pants' waist band.

I don't think forty pounds is my goal for May - I think that would be a huge and overwhelming task. But I also think it would be good to have a number, or at least the idea of a number, tucked inside my head as I move ahead and will eventually need to look for motivation. I'm just not sure what that number will be, or how I'll go about this losing weight thing again (except for, obviously, in a safe way).

We'll just have to see what happens.

Trying New Things

I'm on the brink of my last week of maternity leave (which makes me want to cry, just a bit). This coming week also happens to April vacation, so E. is home. In addition to emotionally and logistically preparing myself to go back to work in a little over a week, I thought we'd take the time to try a couple of new things.

1.) Kiddo Yoga. I am by no means a gym rat, but I did take a couple of classes when I was in college - Zumba and yoga. I really enjoyed the relaxing, focusing effect yoga had on me. I'm naturally a pretty high strung, slightly frazzled person. Taking the time to look inward helped me channel my energy in more constructive ways once I left the class. I think most college students would benefit from a little time on the yoga mat, if only to get them through finals week or internships.

With all that in mind, I've been thinking to myself that maybe I (and college students) aren't the only ones who could benefit from the effects of yoga. While E. isn't quite as bad off as I am in terms of anxiety and high strung, little dog yappiness energy, she gets worked up pretty quickly and easily and can be on screech all day long until she crashes at bedtime. Practicing a little bit of yoga might be just the thing for both of us to relax, refocus our energy, and help us get back into our new normal next week when I return to work. If we really enjoy it, it's certainly something I'd like to continue even once I'm back to work, in the evenings.

I'll let you know how it goes.

2.) Finger knitting. Last spring I taught myself some of the very basics of knitting (casting on, knit, and pearl). After finding some pretty awesome blogs written by some inspiring and like-minded moms, I've been re-energized to begin knitting again and learn a bit more (like, I don't know, how to start and finish an actual project??). E. has taken a pretty big interest in my knitting (she's like me - she loves anything with pretty colors and nice texture). I discovered finger knitting some time ago online, and while it might be an overly ambitious project to start with my five year old (neither one of us are terribly patient people), I think it might be worth a try. I remember my mom teaching me how to hand sew (another project I'd like to take on with E. this summer) when I was probably five or six, and it was probably one of the best gifts my mom gave me. Years later I still hand sew (quilts, nursing covers, pillows, doll clothes, etc.) and it's a hobby I can share with my mom (and hopefully, starting this week and ending over the summer, she's finally going to teach me how to machine sew, something I've been reluctant to learn for years). I hope that knitting and sewing can be a shared between E. and I (and my mom, too!) for years to come.

Fresh Air

I cracked the bedroom window the night before last, the cool breeze felt good in our stuffy bedroom. When I woke up the next morning, the babe mewling from the co-sleeper and the girl sprawling across two-thirds of the bed (my husband had long since left for work), I could hear something I hadn't heard for a long time, creeping in through the open window. Birds. Chirping. Life. While I blearily sat up in bed and got ready to nurse the babe, I knew today we would need to be outside.

Source

Early spring in Maine can be unforgiving. The calendar may say April, but our yard is still mostly covered in snow. And that westerly breeze that knocked out our power the other night? It gives quite the chill! But then you also have days like today, when you know there will come a day when the grass will be green again, the lakes will be free of ice, and coats will officially be able to be packed away until next fall (which I will fully embrace after a hot summer). It's these days you want to snatch up with the kids in tow, because, who knows, you might be snowed in a day or two later!

We couldn't get out right way - there was school to get to, fabric (those play silks I mentioned) to trim, and cloth diapers to fold. But as soon as my car pulled into the driveway (windows all rolled down), we hopped out, busted out the bike and the Moby and walked (well, the girl rode her bike).

We walked and rode two miles!

It felt amazing to be outside without the burden of heavy winter coats, have the sun warm our faces, and to just move our bodies. I felt the dust of winter just fall off with each step. It also helps that we live in a naturally beautiful area with views of the hills around us. And we all came home, baby, girl, and mama feeling refreshed and with new, happier dispositions. It's amazing what a little movement will do for a kid (even a baby) and her attitude.

What have you done to shake off winter lately?

P.S. I just discovered this wicked cool blog this morning that had some really fun movement/dance activities for kids. We have a rainy day coming up and I'll have to give them a try!