Dust Bowl

July, so far, has been a month of flux for me. There are many things in the works and the dust is still in the air.

Some things that are happening:

• Still (mostly) plugging away at the Whole30. Results on that front next week. And I'm starting the 21 Day Fix on the 20th. *Big Scared Grin*
• Graduate school has been applied to, interview had, and acceptance letter hopefully in the mail, along with a financial aid package, likely chock full of student loans. Yay? 
• Spiritual stirrings are afoot. My personal belief system is not something I like to discuss publicly. I will happily talk religion and spirituality, in fairly general terms, all day long, but the depth of my beliefs and how they work aren't something I really like to discuss, at least not in this public of a forum. However, things have been happening my heart, and it would seem dishonorable to not mention them if I'm going to list things that are "happening." 
• My mom and I are working on a project together. We are meeting once a week to work on it. If I say any more my mom will kill me. But, okay, I will also mention it's awesome. 
•  I have started teaching my summer classes. I am teaching a legit, several student, need a lesson plan, have to write stuff on the board math class (if you took a math class with me in high school try not to laugh to hard). I'm also pulling together three reasonably individualized novel studies and trying to get a handful of students through as much of the HiSET as possible before mid-August. God help us all.
• I ran two miles yesterday without stopping. I haven't done that in about a year. I love my body and all it can do. 

I'm looking forward to the dust settling and seeing the lay of the land. Until then, keeping my face covered and hoping for the best.

Everything Floats

The day has been hot and as I fall into the cool water, much, besides my sweat and the ache in my muscles, is shed.

I float. Every bit of me floats, and I smile as I look down. It is dark, the murmur of NPR in the background, and no one can see. In this moment, as I am entwined in my cocoon during my transformation, I love my body. I am allowed to love it, and not because I am alone, or that it is so dark, or because I must, but because I want to. It's an easy love, and I dive back into the water, letting it glide over my skin.

I decide that I am done with the self-loathing. I had told myself to stop this a long time ago, have talked about it, I think even written about it, but this time I know that it's really gone.

It's nice to hear, but I don't need those compliments any more. I don't want approval from anyone. I will just happily wear my skin, my muscles and bones, my fat, and I will love it. I will watch it change, too. I will watch it like one watches a sunrise, in aw of each phase and its beauty, until the sun is fully risen and we can't imagine it any other way.

Yes, everything floats when I'm in the water, but that only makes it easier to see, better to admire.

Here We Go Again...

Have you ever gone body surfing at the ocean? You know, you wait for that perfect wave to come in, then you sort of jump and lunge forward and hope that it will carry you forward, allowing you to glide smoothly into shore? I'm a so-so body surfer. Sometimes I nail it, surfing onto the beach in such a way that it feels like flying. Or I just sort of get sucked under and tumble around a bit, cuing all the scary stories I've heard about people breaking their necks while doing this.

I always have an undercurrent of desire to be healthier and lose weight, but my desire to pursue it tends to come in waves. Sometimes I ignore the wave, letting it wash over me, and other times I try to surf it. Some goes are better than others, but I've net to really get it, to glide in to shore feeling fit and healthy and being able to stay that way.

Well, I feel another wave coming on. I feel motivated, ready to push aside bad habits and pick up some good ones. I don't know how this ride into shore is going to go, but I'm hoping this might be it. I know I can't expect perfection, because that will defeat me before I even really start - I have to be gentle with myself and know that if I screw up in some capacity that all is not lose and it's not an excuse to just stop.

So, as with any time I do something like this, I have a plan, and this is it:

• I'm going to try the Whole30...again. I did this last year with lots of success in terms of weight-loss (about 15 lbs. in 11 days), but I felt junky almost the whole time. I'll be honest, I'm going for it again mostly for the weight-loss, BUT there is a part of me that the whole, "It'll change you're entire perspective on food and life!" will happen for me, too. We'll see. Hopefully I can stick it out longer than 11 days!
• I'm also going to try out this CrossFit challenge I found on Pinterest. It's also 30 days, so, why not? I want to try CrossFit stuff out because it requires minimal (if any) equipment and is something I can do from home. I think I could even probably manage to do some stuff while the kids are awake!
• After the 30 days are up, I'm going to check back in with myself to see where I am and where I want to go from there. Maybe I'll stick with paleo or extend the Whole30 (ha), or maybe I'll try to reintroduce some other foods. The one thing I think I'll really, really need to stick with is eliminating or significantly limiting my refined sugar products. I don't currently keep white or brown sugar in my house, but that doesn't prevent me from buying things with refined sugar in it. 
• Rather than just tracking my weight, I'm also going to do my measurements. I like to see changes, and even though when I do put the effort in to losing weight I don't have a problem doing it (knock on wood that it's still the case now), it's nice to have one more marker of my success. 
• And even as I do track my weight, I'm going to track it a little bit differently. I saw this idea on Pinterest years ago and decided it would be a nice visual for me to see what my goal is and how far I've come to accomplish it.

And speaking of goals, here are my overall weight loss and fitness goals. They're not detailed, kind of like my plan above, but it's a starting point. As I get farther into riding this wave, I think my goals will gain more shape.

• I want to lose 90 lbs. Yes, that much. I currently weigh 230 lbs. and my goal weight, for now, is 140. Losing that amount would put me at a pretty reasonable weight for my frame size, which is large (thanks Dad - didn't get your height, but I certainly got your frame size!). (By the way, if you're interested in figuring out what your frame size is and then your ideal weight for your frame and height, check out here and here. Not a huge fan of the site's name, but they have halfway decent information.) 
• I want to be somewhat athletic. I don't want to do anything competitively, but I want to feel good when I move a lot. I want to not be the slowest or worst at something, either. 
• I wouldn't say no to a little muscle definition, but that's pretty low on my priority list. 

Consummate "before" side view.

That's where I'm at. I hope to add more as I go along, including my stats - I'm going to do my measurements in the next couple of days, right before I start the Whole30, which I should be starting soon. I hope, hope, hope this is going to turn into something I can maintain. I'm really ready to do this. 

Consummate "before" front view.

Feeling a Little Down and Out (Or Up and Bloated)

Last year, at this time, I was in the process of losing a whole bunch of weight. I was approaching the lowest weight I'd been in years. Since then I've gained it all back...and then some. It sucks. I sucks so hard, because I know exactly what my problem is and I can't seem to fix it. I've talked to my doctor, to a nutritionist, and to a counselor and I don't know what it is about my situation that I can't seem to work around. I just want to eat, I want to eat a lot, and I want to eat terribly unhealthy things.

There are days where I wish I could just not eat. Like, not necessarily become anorexic or something, but just get to a point where I could happily sustain myself on air and light, like Human Barbie.

This was meant to be funny, but the more I look at it and read what I've written, I realize it's just kinda sad.

There are days where I wish I could just go live in the woods and live on the land - it'd be substantially healthier and I'd be so inept at getting myself food I'd lose weight anyway.

And I know these are totally unhealthy thoughts, and no I'm going to start starving myself or throwing up or doing anything that is patently proven that I shouldn't, but I reach these moments were I feel terribly desperate for something to change, but I feel entirely incapable, like that I've forgotten how to lose weight, how to treat myself well, and how to care. I'm hoping with the extra time I'll have over the summer I'll be able to find how to do this all again.

Deja Vu

Two years ago I lost about forty pounds between January and May. I ate well, exercised, and felt so amazing and so proud. That May, I got pregnant and promptly began to put weight back on, little by little. When I had M. the following February, I very slowly took the weight I gained during my pregnancy off.

Honestly, if I had exercised and ate right just as I had before I had gotten pregnant, I'd lost my pregnancy weight a lot faster, and then some. Instead I fell back on old and very bad habits, and while my weight went down, I'm finding myself, two years after the beginning of my initial weight-loss journey (which I started mainly in preparation for pregnancy), about ten or so pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant.

So, here I am at the beginning of a new year, having committed myself to making better choices with my food and my activities (and with a very early birthday gift of snowshoes coming from my parents), and I'm wondering if I can't have that repeat success of a couple years earlier. If I lose a similar amount of weight between now and May, just as I did before, I'll weigh less than I did in high school. I know my weight, in the end, is less important than continually making healthy choices and creating healthy habits for my family. But...I care about that damned number on the scale and on my pants' waist band.

I don't think forty pounds is my goal for May - I think that would be a huge and overwhelming task. But I also think it would be good to have a number, or at least the idea of a number, tucked inside my head as I move ahead and will eventually need to look for motivation. I'm just not sure what that number will be, or how I'll go about this losing weight thing again (except for, obviously, in a safe way).

We'll just have to see what happens.