Grumpy Mama

There were supposed to be pictures...but I lost the camera.

It was my mom's camera.

Ugh.

We went camping this weekend, and I loved it. I went four-wheeling for the first time in years (years!) and felt like a real red neck woman without guilt. We stayed up late with a bonfire and some beers (well, I didn't have a beer, but it was nice to see others with one...and maybe I did have a sip or two of Pumpkin Head).

But, damn, am I tired. And that camera is still lost.

And I am one grumpy mama.

"What do you do when you feel grumpy?" I would ask E. when she's got her fists balled up and that scowl on her face.

What does a grumpy mama do?

Deep breaths, nurse the baby, eyes closed, make my big girl laugh. Sometimes.

Stamp feet, snappy voice, not-so-kind words. Sometimes.

What makes a grumpy mama feel better? Sleepy babies in bed (after some giggles that make the roughness from before a bit smoother), a movie with my biggest love, new polish on my nails. Being home again.

Grumpy mama is glad to be home again.

Kindergarten Questions

Okay, so, first of all, here is the required, ADORABLE picture of E. on her first day of Kindergarten:

 

She's pretty darn cute, right?

School has been okay so far. The first couple of days, while drop off was difficult, had gone really well. E. was excited to go, pleased with her new classroom and friends and teacher. But as our week has gone on, the words, "But the day is so long!" have been heard more than once. Yesterday, as we got ready for school, there was a refusal to get dressed, E. hiding under the covers, unwilling to get out.

"I don't want to go! I want to stay home!"

Part of me very much wanted to say, "Okay!" but, of course, I did not. I coaxed her out with promises to visit the playground after school and a favorite supper that night. We got her to school and she went in without a problem for the first time all week.

I left the school building, torn. I knew she was going to be fine. But, I would then say, what about better than fine? I know I have brought this up before, but it's still eating me up inside. I'm not entirely sure I could provide better than fine, I'm not sure if I should try, because although I am at home now, I'm not entirely sure I will be next year. With things so up in the air, it's hard to make plans, and while I don't know for sure her school is the best place she can be, I know it wouldn't be ideal to be changing things around a lot in just a school year or two. Above all, I know she needs consistency.

I want to provide a childhood for my daughter that speaks to the very best parts of her world, and I don't know if that's happening right now (both at home and at school - I'm not going to lay this all at the feet of the public school system). So, for now, E. goes to school. I try to make a healing rhythm at home. We both make new friends and learn new things. And we wait and see and hope that it will be better than fine.

Creating Play Every Day

Has this exchange ever happened in your house?

Adorable child: Will you play with me?
Parent: Oh, sweetheart, not right now, I've got some work to do. Maybe later?
Adorable child: Okay!

...Later...

Adorable child: Hey, wanna play?
Parent: Sure, honey, maybe in a bit. I have to finish this up first.
Adorable child: All right.

...In a bit...

Adorable child: Now can you play with me?
Parent: You know, maybe tomorrow, because it's getting late and it's almost bedtime! Tomorrow we will, okay?

But what happens when it's tomorrow? I know these exact conversations have been heard in our house any number of times, and when tomorrow finally arrives...it doesn't usually end much differently than the day before.

That's not to say my child is neglected and never has her mom or dad to play with her. Believe me, I've served my time playing Barbies on the bedroom floor, organized craft projects on our kitchen table, read endless amounts of books, and shared time watching a family movie or two. I also firmly believe that kids need to learn how to play independently and with other kids. If my daughter only ever had myself or her dad to play with she would be driving more than just us nuts.

But because I work out of the home full time, it sometimes feels like the few moments of play I do get in during a week aren't enough. Yes, I'm sure some of this is that dreaded "mommy guilt", but at the same time, I know how easily I can prioritize things like cooking dinner, cleaning my floors, folding laundry, or even social media (hello, Facebook and Pinterest!) over playing with or including my daughter.

So, as the new year rolled around, I made myself a few promises. Less screen time for all (especially me), more playing, and finding new ways to spend time with my daughter, even if it isn't helping her work out the drama between Barbie, Ken, and the new girl in town, Tinkerbell.

And while blogging about it all might seem vaguely counterintuitive (you know, what with the less screen time and trying to make myself more available to my child), I couldn't help but think I'm not the only mom who has this problem, working out of the home or not. This might be a way to connect with other mothers (and fathers!), to share ideas, and to build a community of parents who want to create homes where play and building connections with their kids is more than just a once in a while kind of thing, but an intrinsic part of the every day.

If you'd like to learn a little bit more about me, check out the "About the Mama" page, here, and my more broadly subjected blog, here.