T.V. Free...Life

It's been quiet around here lately. Not silent, not even very peaceful, really (How can peacefulness even be achieved with a rapidly moving one year old and adventurous five year old? If you have a secret, please pass it along.). But it's been quiet, nonetheless, and I think it's largely owed the absence of a screen. It's not as though we've gotten rid of our television, computer, or handheld devices - we simply haven't had them on much, particularly with the kids.

We love watching T.V. here. My husband and I have lots and lots of shows we love to watch. My husband is the type to start watching a two and half hour movie in the middle of the afternoon, simply because there isn't anything else he wants to do. There have been times where I felt like E. was getting way more than her fair share of television time, too, and had shows she just absolutely had to watch over and over (we have Netflix, so at least we've been able to avoid haven't specific times where she feels she MUST have the T.V. on). I never imagined that we would become a home where the T.V. is on as little as it is.

Here's how it usually happens: We all get up, have breakfast, clean up, play, go to school, if it's one of those days, play some more, get chores done, go outside, run an errand maybe, (lunch and snacks are thrown in here somewhere), prepare dinner, have dinner (we've been doing this by candlelight a lot lately, which just seems to keep everyone calm and pleasant during the meal). Somewhere around dinner time, either just before or just after, we watch about a half an hour of T.V. Some days we don't watch any at all. And E. is not asking for it, either.

This is a huge contrast to even just a few months ago (we've been slowly building towards this), when E. could easily watch two hours of television, if not more, in a day. And I realize that two hours is considered "okay", but I just couldn't fathom how E. sitting for those two hours, even if she wasn't doing it consecutively, even if she was getting lots of active time beyond, was healthy or "okay."

Why we started: After reading a lot on the effects of television on children's brain growth and the impact it has on their imaginary play and just being overall frustrated with her education, I decided it was time to limit T.V. as much as we possibly could so E. could have as much time to play, explore imaginatively, and discover of what she is capable, as possible.

And with a little one in the home and with T.V. not being recommended for children under two years, I knew I wanted to limit T.V. for his sake, too. This was also a habit I wanted entrenched by the time M. was of T.V. viewing age, because, and this is honestly just my opinion, backed up by nothing buy anecdotal evidence, I feel that boys are far more susceptible to media addiction. The men and boys in my family seem to have a real difficulty in pulling themselves away from the T.V. and their "devices", and I don't want that for M. If little T.V. is a habit in our household now, I think it will continue to be as he gets older.

How we started: I began by saying we would only have T.V. three times a day, around breakfast, around lunch, and around dinner. If E. asked for more, I had to stay pretty steadfast and say no. At first, it really wasn't easy, and there were plenty of times where I just wished I could give in and let her have it, but I didn't, and I'm really proud of that.

After a bit, I started saying no to T.V. in the morning during the school week. My excuse was, and this is partially true, was that it was preventing us from getting out the door on time. E. would have a really hard time stopping the show to go get ready. Eventually we started getting rid of T.V. in the mornings on the weekends, too.

Honestly, after we got rid of morning T.V., the rest came pretty easily. By setting the tone for the day with playing and working together, E. sort of forgot that there was T.V. to watch. Occasionally, she would ask to watch T.V. or a movie, and I could more easily make a judgement call about whether or not it was a good time, depending on how much screen time she'd had previously. Now that we watch T.V. so rarely, when E. asks to watch T.V. or a movie, I don't feel guilty and will happily put something on for her.

Unexpected Benefits: There are a couple of things that have cropped up since we started limiting T.V. One, I've started being able to watch T.V. with E. I've tried planning T.V. time, when we have it, for moments where I'm either in the room with her, prepping dinner or cleaning, or I can actually sit down and watch. It's nice to actually be able to enjoy what's being watched rather than using the T.V. as a babysitter.

Two, my husband, the lover of all things screen, big and small, has given up T.V. for Lent. Seriously. I think he realized if he wanted to watch T.V. while the kids are up, he was going to be banished to the basement. I wonder if perhaps he got a bit lonely down there all by himself while the rest of us are having fun above ground.

At this point we're in maintenance mode and fine-tuning here and there. I'm trying to cut back on my computer/tablet use and I've started keeping track of the days where we go without T.V. completely, just for fun. Do I someday hope we become a T.V. free family, and we can just get rid of the tube? Not really. I don't think T.V. is the root of all evil, I just think we can all be doing something else instead. But I do love my shows (thank goodness Scandal is back on!!) and there is nothing like a good family movie, but for the day to day? If we're mostly to completely free of screen time, I think we'll be all the better for it.

A Taste of Michaelmas

As I've been exploring Waldorf education and Rudolph Steiner's philosophy I couldn't help but stumble across the immense amount of holidays and festivals that are celebrated in Waldorf schools and home schools or by families who identify with Steiner's beliefs. While I was raised in a Christian household and am married to a Catholic (who seems to have all sorts of hidden holidays I didn't know about), a lot of these Christian oriented festivals and their corresponding stories were new to me. What's more, I was drawn into the effort as well as simplicity (if such a thing were possible) the parents put forth in making these somewhat obscure days special for their little ones. 

My own bit of fluff - trying my hand at making a Waldorf inspired hand kite

 Of course, as one learns about Waldorf education, you realize that it is about so much more than sweet little natural toys, making flower crowns, and celebrating the summer solstice (I love this bit from Waldorf Essentials about the "fluff" families are often drawn to in Waldorf). It truly embraces the belief of making childhood count for something (something good and beautiful), but I suppose one of those things that helps make childhood all it should be is celebrating. And celebrating different seasonal holidays is a wonderful way to create a feeling of rhythm throughout the year (and months and weeks and days), something strongly encouraged in Waldorf education and any mother who wants to stay sane. 

Michaelmas is the next upcoming festival (September 29) and as a family we've decided it's something we'd like to celebrate. Now, for those of you who aren't in the know, Michaelmas, as I understand it (if you are in the know and see something off in the explanation to come, let me know!) is a celebration of a couple of things: One, the battle of archangel Michael and his subsequent defeat of Lucifer, which is often shown as a knight defeating a dragon (St. George is wrapped up in this is as well since he is a noted dragon slayer apparently). Two, Michaelmas is also associated with harvest celebrations, where people partake in the bounty of the wood and field (geese and blackberries where two common food related themes I had noticed).

Below is a children's story that I told (and later wrote in very rough form) to my daughter. It is the story of St. Michael made a wee bit tamer for the five year old set as well as brining in the harvest festival elements so often associated with the festival. If you like you're more than welcome borrow the story to tell your own little ones, but I do recommend telling the story sans text. Little ones love to be told a story, and even if you think you're lousy at it (I know I am), it will be enjoyed nonetheless, trust me.

Mama's Michaelmas Story

Once upon a time, in a beautiful land filled with farms and fields, lakes and rivers, forests, hills and mountains. Many animals lived in this land: deer, boar, wolves, squirrels, and even frogs and toads! The people who lived in this land were good people, they worked hard, cared for their land and the animals that lived in it, and loved one another very much.

As good as things were most of the time, there was one big problem. In the mountains, not too far way, there was a dragon. He was as green as an emerald, with jet black eyes, and was as big as a house. This dragon would watch the people of the land in their villages, happily taking care of their homes, fields, and each other and it would make the dragon, who lived all alone in the cold mountains, very angry.

So, once a year, just as the people were finishing gathering the harvest, mending their woolen winter clothes, and readying their homes and animals for the long winter, the dragon would come and burn one of the villages down to the ground. The people of that village would lose everything – all their food, all their clothes, even some of their cows and sheep, which the dragon would eat right up! The people of the village the dragon had chosen to burn that year would be very sad and worry, because they had lost all they had prepared for the long hard winter and didn't know how they would survive.

In one of the other nearby villages, there was a young knight named Michael. He had seen the village that was burned down and had many friends there. It made him very upset to see people he cared so much about with nothing just before wintertime, especially when they had just worked so hard to prepare everything they would need. He helped his friends from the burned village find places to stay for the winter and new clothes, but he still felt angry. Every year this happened and it just wasn't fair!

No one wanted to fight the dragon. The people of this land were a peaceful people and not many kept things like swords and shields. Besides, the people were very afraid of the dragon – he was so big and fierce and they were so small! But Michael did have a sword, one he had made himself, and a shield as well, and he was just upset enough to finally say, “I will go to that dragon and I will defeat him!” The villagers were proud of Michael and as he left his village they gave him many supplies: a horse to make him fast, food to fill his belly and help keep up his strength, and a shining cloak of gold and red, as bright as any dragon's fire.

Michael road his horse across the land, towards the mountains. He galloped through open fields, trotted through narrow forest paths, and crossed over rough and gravelly hills. Finally, he came to the dragon's mountain.

He stood at the base of the mountain and summoned as much courage as he could. He called out, “Dragon, I dare you to come down and fight me!” He waited for a moment, but there was no answer.

He called again, louder, “Dragon, I DARE you to come down and fight me!” Again, there was no answer.

Michael was starting to not feel so brave. He thought about how big the dragon was and how he could breathe fire and eat huge cows in one swallow. He knew he had to call out to the dragon again, so he started to think of his friends and family back home, especially those who had no home this year, and the ones who didn't have a place to last winter last year, and how this happened every year. Finally, he was ready to call out again, and when he did, it felt as though everyone who wanted that dragon defeated was calling out with him. Do you want the dragon defeated? Call out with Michael if you do!

“Dragon, I DARE YOU TO COME DOWN AND FIGHT ME!”

From a high, high rocky ledge, the dragon leaped down, green wings spread wide, smoke coming from his nostrils, a sneer on the dragon's face.

“You think you can defeat me?” The dragon chuckled, getting ready to swallow Michael in one gulp.

“I will defeat you, dragon!” Michael yelled, getting ready to fight, even though he was pretty sure the dragon would just burn him to a crisp.

The dragon stopped and looked at the small night with his dragon-fire cloak. “Hmmm,” he said, “You know, no one has ever challenged me before. Everyone usually just runs and hides and isn't as brave as you. I'm impressed. I'll let you fight me. I could really just burn you to a crisp now, but instead I'll give you a go. Let's fight, little knight!”

And so the fight began. The dragon would blow his fire and Michael would leap aside. Michael would run to skewer the dragon with his sword, but the dragon would suddenly fly into the air. The knight and the dragon would go back and forth, blowing fire and parrying with the sword. Eventually, the two of them began to grow tired, and Michael would land a blow or the dragon would singe the knight a bit, but nothing to cause any serious damage. After a while, Michael and the dragon became so exhausted they had to stop fighting, unable to go on, but neither defeated.

The dragon, who was really a coward at heart, knew that if they continued to fight, no one would win, or worse, he would be defeated. As Michael struggled to get up and continue the fight, the dragon yelled, “Stop! I won't fight you any longer. I'll go away and never bother you or your family or your land's villages again.”

“But I don't want you to harm anyone ever again. I must defeat you!” The knight and the dragon looked at each other, waiting to see what the other would do next. Finally, Michael had an idea. He had looked around him, at the cold, dreary mountainside where the dragon lived. It was hard and colorless, devoid of life. It seemed it would be a lonely life, living here, lonely enough to make any creature bitter and angry, let alone a grumpy old dragon.

“Now I'll make a deal with you, dragon. Let me go free and promise to never hurt anyone, and I mean anyone ever again, and the villagers and I will make a feast for you. We'll do it every year, right at this time, and you can come and fill your belly for the long winter right along with us. At the end of the feast you can make a huge bonfire for us to warm ourselves by and celebrate the end of the harvest.”

The dragon thought for a moment, considering the knight's offer. “Yes, I will agree to this, but with one condition.”

“What's that?” Michael asked.

“You'll make a special treat just for me. Though, maybe I'll share it, if I feel like it.” Michael agreed.

The dragon brought Michael (and his horse) back home again and Michael told the villagers about his battle with the dragon and the deal he had made. That very night the villagers had their first feast, celebrating Michael's bravery right along with the end of their bountiful harvest. The dragon filled his belly, as did the villagers, and all went home happy and no longer worried about being left out in the cold.

For many years feast for Michael and the dragon were held, even long after Michael and the dragon where gone. Once the dragon was gone, people would still leave food out for the dragon, just in case. Or people would bring things to others in need, lonely and cold like the dragon before them.

Got Patience?

Source

It's two miles, just about, from the bottom of my driveway to the end of our road and back. The girl was going to ride it all. It wasn't her goal or plan, it was just what happened.

As she peddled along, pumping her little legs, navigating our slightly treacherous road, I did my best to keep back, to watch,remember, and enjoy everything around me. I had to stop myself a few times, the words "hurry up" caught in my throat. Why did we need to hurry? There wasn't anywhere we needed to be, no urgency to our chores at home. We could, and should, take our time, because our world rushes by us too quickly anyhow.

I walked along, several feet behind her as she sped ahead and started to relax. I realized something important then. There didn't need to be a goal or a plan. She didn't have one, she just wanted to have fun. Why did I need to have one? We were just out for a walk and a bike ride. We didn't need to get it done. Nothing needed to be checked off a list. I wasn't going to have to report to someone else later and say, "On this date we went for a bike ride. We went this far. It took us this much time." Maybe after so many years of having to be accountable, having to document everything, having to have a rationale, it's hard for to just let something be. (Note: A lot of my behavior comes from being and education major for four years - we need a 12-step program once we leave and enter the "real" world.)

When you feel like you need to accomplish something every time you break out an activity with you kiddos it makes playing hard. Stuff that used to come so easily to me as a child now become stressful, unhappy tasks when I enter it with a mindset of: "Now, what will the end product be?" It's tough to remember that these games we play, crafts me make, things we do, aren't for me, they're for her. What's more, just as much I'm not being graded on how everything goes, neither is she. Not by me, not by anyone else. Whatever we're doing, it's for fun. If something larger comes out of it, awesome, but if not...awesome!

I've never been one to be a fan of the saying, "It's the journey, not the destination." I don't like cliches, for one, and for two, it's always clashed with how I've done things...but maybe I've been doing some things wrong. In parenting, in play, there is no distinct destination, and when you reach it there isn't some welcome celebration. You're kids are gone and while you might have labored all this time to help them arrive at adulthood, you don't get to enjoy it (at least not close up) - they do. That's why you make the most of the journey and worry less about the destination.

Creating Play Every Day

Has this exchange ever happened in your house?

Adorable child: Will you play with me?
Parent: Oh, sweetheart, not right now, I've got some work to do. Maybe later?
Adorable child: Okay!

...Later...

Adorable child: Hey, wanna play?
Parent: Sure, honey, maybe in a bit. I have to finish this up first.
Adorable child: All right.

...In a bit...

Adorable child: Now can you play with me?
Parent: You know, maybe tomorrow, because it's getting late and it's almost bedtime! Tomorrow we will, okay?

But what happens when it's tomorrow? I know these exact conversations have been heard in our house any number of times, and when tomorrow finally arrives...it doesn't usually end much differently than the day before.

That's not to say my child is neglected and never has her mom or dad to play with her. Believe me, I've served my time playing Barbies on the bedroom floor, organized craft projects on our kitchen table, read endless amounts of books, and shared time watching a family movie or two. I also firmly believe that kids need to learn how to play independently and with other kids. If my daughter only ever had myself or her dad to play with she would be driving more than just us nuts.

But because I work out of the home full time, it sometimes feels like the few moments of play I do get in during a week aren't enough. Yes, I'm sure some of this is that dreaded "mommy guilt", but at the same time, I know how easily I can prioritize things like cooking dinner, cleaning my floors, folding laundry, or even social media (hello, Facebook and Pinterest!) over playing with or including my daughter.

So, as the new year rolled around, I made myself a few promises. Less screen time for all (especially me), more playing, and finding new ways to spend time with my daughter, even if it isn't helping her work out the drama between Barbie, Ken, and the new girl in town, Tinkerbell.

And while blogging about it all might seem vaguely counterintuitive (you know, what with the less screen time and trying to make myself more available to my child), I couldn't help but think I'm not the only mom who has this problem, working out of the home or not. This might be a way to connect with other mothers (and fathers!), to share ideas, and to build a community of parents who want to create homes where play and building connections with their kids is more than just a once in a while kind of thing, but an intrinsic part of the every day.

If you'd like to learn a little bit more about me, check out the "About the Mama" page, here, and my more broadly subjected blog, here.