Kindergarten Questions

Okay, so, first of all, here is the required, ADORABLE picture of E. on her first day of Kindergarten:

 

She's pretty darn cute, right?

School has been okay so far. The first couple of days, while drop off was difficult, had gone really well. E. was excited to go, pleased with her new classroom and friends and teacher. But as our week has gone on, the words, "But the day is so long!" have been heard more than once. Yesterday, as we got ready for school, there was a refusal to get dressed, E. hiding under the covers, unwilling to get out.

"I don't want to go! I want to stay home!"

Part of me very much wanted to say, "Okay!" but, of course, I did not. I coaxed her out with promises to visit the playground after school and a favorite supper that night. We got her to school and she went in without a problem for the first time all week.

I left the school building, torn. I knew she was going to be fine. But, I would then say, what about better than fine? I know I have brought this up before, but it's still eating me up inside. I'm not entirely sure I could provide better than fine, I'm not sure if I should try, because although I am at home now, I'm not entirely sure I will be next year. With things so up in the air, it's hard to make plans, and while I don't know for sure her school is the best place she can be, I know it wouldn't be ideal to be changing things around a lot in just a school year or two. Above all, I know she needs consistency.

I want to provide a childhood for my daughter that speaks to the very best parts of her world, and I don't know if that's happening right now (both at home and at school - I'm not going to lay this all at the feet of the public school system). So, for now, E. goes to school. I try to make a healing rhythm at home. We both make new friends and learn new things. And we wait and see and hope that it will be better than fine.

Though She Be But Little, She is Fierce

Oh, when she's angry, she is keen and shrewd! She was a vixen when she went to school. And though she be but little, she is fierce. (A Midsummer's Night Dream, Act 2, Scene 3)

 

Kindergarten is coming. Not this week, not next (though we do have an open house to attend), but the week after. Just under two weeks away, to be exact.

Outside, with that cool, dry air moving about us, you can smell school. When I stuck my head outside to let the dog out and took in that lovely deep lungful of breath, I could smell a warm breakfast, waiting for the bus, and school bells ringing. It's very September-y out there.

I've had quite a lot of turmoil, knotting very nicely in the pit of my stomach, about sending my big little off into the less insular world of "big kid school" (despite the fact that her preschool was actually located in the local high school). But I am also getting excited about this new adventure, and E. is, too. She's also very anxious.

Five year olds don't tell you, "I'm really scared about going to a new school, having a new teacher, and being with new kids who aren't my friends from preschool."

No, instead they tell you their bed is uncomfortable and they must sleep in yours (as if she'd stay in her own bed anyway...and we're okay if she doesn't). Instead, they pinch their baby brothers when you're not looking and tell you it's because he, "Gave me a mean look!" Instead they won't stop telling fart jokes or pretend to fart or poop on everything, even though you've asked a thousand times for them to stop. Instead, even the littlest thing takes them completely off kilter and results in an entire evening of, "But I want it!" and "You're the meanest mom EVER!" when previously they've never been one of those kids before in their lives.


Why didn't anyone tell me this would be so tough? Why didn't anyone tell me that in addition to feeling that little bit of sadness about my baby growing up was going to be mixed with the heart wrenching guilt and questioning of whether or not we're making the right decision in sending her away from our little home.

 

I know, in my heart, that once school starts and she starts to relax and feel comfortable with where she is going every day, things will settle down and our happy, not-quite-so-stormy girl will be back in full force. And I hope my own excitement about school will help her feel easy about it all the more (and I swear, she is excited, too). But then I wonder how long it will take her to
relax. What are those first days (weeks) of school going to bring us? Is it all going to be worth the emotional turmoil in the end?

I have been reminded over and over that kids are resilient. And they are. But should I have to make her be resilient?