Ambition

It's the beginning of January, which means spring semester for college students is just a couple of weeks away. I started on my journey for my master's degree this past fall, taking (and acing!) two courses. I'm ready to start two more shortly. If I continue at this pace, two courses a semester, I'll have my master's by May 2019. What's a girl to do once she earns her master's? Well, go on and get her doctorate, of course!

My thought had been once I finished my master's program, I might work for some time before pursuing my doctorate, but the more I think about it, the less I want to wait. Of course, life and circumstances always have a chance of changing things, but barring any stickiness and the general agreeability of my family, I plan to apply to doctoral programs in the not too distant future.

I'm looking at this as an opportunity for my family to do something and live somewhere we never have. I'm looking at this as a chance to do something totally different than anything I've done before. Yes, I've been a student many times over, but being in the thick of academia, immersing myself in topics and research, is something I haven't really had an opportunity to do before, and is something I know I would love to be able to do. I am a student at heart, a born researcher and life long learner.

The biggest question is: Where would we go? Well, there are a few factors that would go into this decision, the biggest one being where have I been accepted. I can't say that my I've set my sights low. I plan on applying to Johns Hopkins, Harvard, UPenn, and the University of Washington. These are all highly regarded universities with competitive Ph.D. programs. I'm a smart lady and I am currently kicking butt in my master's program and plan to continue to do so, but that doesn't automatically mean I'll be admitted into one of these schools.

My nerves about not being admitted aside, I am totally enthralled by the idea of studying and researching at one of these schools. All of them have amazing programs, history, and people attached to them and are located in parts of the country I would love to live in. I'm really keen on being part of a Ph.D. program because I like the idea of tackling big questions and moving deeper into issues surrounding education and how it works within society, and all of these schools offer programs that do just that.

My end goal with my Ph.D. is not to climb the ladder in our or any other school district. I don't have a strong inclination (at this point) toward taking over a leadership position. This, of course, could change, but for now I see myself working within a university or nonprofit, maybe someday going to Washington to help shape policy, or, better yet, opening a school to serve our area, where there is extremely limited choice of where you can send your children to school, particularly if you're low-income. If you know me in real life you know I have very strong feelings regarding how things are currently done in public schools. My mission, regardless of where I am in my career or studies, is to affect change. Considering my skill set and personality type, this path is probably one of the best ways for me to do this.

So, this is all a still few years off yet, as I mentioned. I have at least another two and a half years left in my master's program, and I also love my job. It's fun and fulfilling and just all around incredible. I'm extremely lucky to work where I do, doing what I do and I may decide to keep doing it long after I receive my Master's, saving this dream for a little later. But if it comes sooner or later, it's coming either way, and I can't wait to get started.

Dust Bowl

July, so far, has been a month of flux for me. There are many things in the works and the dust is still in the air.

Some things that are happening:

• Still (mostly) plugging away at the Whole30. Results on that front next week. And I'm starting the 21 Day Fix on the 20th. *Big Scared Grin*
• Graduate school has been applied to, interview had, and acceptance letter hopefully in the mail, along with a financial aid package, likely chock full of student loans. Yay? 
• Spiritual stirrings are afoot. My personal belief system is not something I like to discuss publicly. I will happily talk religion and spirituality, in fairly general terms, all day long, but the depth of my beliefs and how they work aren't something I really like to discuss, at least not in this public of a forum. However, things have been happening my heart, and it would seem dishonorable to not mention them if I'm going to list things that are "happening." 
• My mom and I are working on a project together. We are meeting once a week to work on it. If I say any more my mom will kill me. But, okay, I will also mention it's awesome. 
•  I have started teaching my summer classes. I am teaching a legit, several student, need a lesson plan, have to write stuff on the board math class (if you took a math class with me in high school try not to laugh to hard). I'm also pulling together three reasonably individualized novel studies and trying to get a handful of students through as much of the HiSET as possible before mid-August. God help us all.
• I ran two miles yesterday without stopping. I haven't done that in about a year. I love my body and all it can do. 

I'm looking forward to the dust settling and seeing the lay of the land. Until then, keeping my face covered and hoping for the best.

Hello, Visitors

Hoping for a teeny bit of a bump in my number of visitors this week as I am taking a technology in the classroom course for my "real" job.

So...

Evolution

I've been thinking today, thinking about what I'm going to write.

I read an article about the brain development of 20 somethings.

I thought about the origins of my motherhood.

I considered my love/hate relationship with labels when applied to people. (I did realize I'm okay when labels are applied to things. I would prefer to not, you know, drink poison or something.)

I have grappled with self-identity.

And what have I come away with? Motherhood, like life itself, is a beautiful evolution.

A long time ago, but really not that long ago at all, when E. was a baby, I did something kind of foolish. I honestly don't remember what it was, but my husband called me out on it. My response: "My brain is still developing - you can't expect me to always make good decisions!" My brain, like my motherhood, has been evolving. And it's that biological evolution that has fueled, in part, the changes in how I mother my children.

I've always been upfront with the many disadvantages of having kids young. There is just so much risk to everything in your life - your finances, your relationships, your sanity (though, I suppose that's up for grabs no matter when you have kids), but there are advantages, too. One of the absolute coolest things about spending your early twenties amongst the wee ones is seeing how much you change, how quickly and how drastically. I am not the person I was seven years ago, when I was pregnant with E. And, of course, most people change a lot in seven years, especially moving from 19 to twenty-six, but that change only grows exponentially when you throw children into the mix.


I moved from a neanderthal living in a cave, in terms of self-awareness and understanding, to something resembling an evolved human being. I might still be living in the Dark Ages, fighting to reach my Renaissance, but I'm moving forward and I'm starting to like what I see in myself.

I thought this was interesting (it's from that article I mentioned above) -

[Geid] and his colleagues plan to compare the brain development of girls who become pregnant in their teens to girls who do not. “Teen pregnancy changes all your priorities and what you do with your time—how do those experiences change the brain?” Arnett agrees that such neuroimaging studies would be useful. “Even in industrialized countries, a lot of people still get married pretty early. You could do brain studies comparing people who experience their twenties differently and contrast how their brains develop.”

To give some context, right before the quote above, the article's author poses this question: "Should parents encourage their 20-year-olds to shirk adult responsibilities lest they hamper an advantageous period of self-discovery and wild experimentation?"

I bring up these quotes because while they don't directly contrast my feelings that having children compounds the evolution a person takes on between the beginning of young adulthood and the end, it seems to challenge it. Basically, the article implies that because a person who chooses to take on "adult responsibilities" (i.e. family of her own, real job, etc.) they are unable to participate in a period of "self-discovery" and "wild experimentation."

You find out what you're made of when you are confronted with a challenge, particularly one that involves taking another person's life into your hands. While maybe it doesn't feel that way all the time, because, in the 21st century world, the stakes can be much lower, becoming a parent means you make sure your little person doesn't accidentally off themselves or get eaten by a wild animal in your backyard (genuine concern here in Maine). With that and any myriad of potential cultural issues to concern yourself with, parenting is precisely what the article suggests twenty-somethings need to help their brains expand! (You tell me spending five nights in a row trying to both calm a colicky baby and then figure out whenever you're going to have sex with your husband again isn't wild experimentation!)

Having my kids, being married to my husband, going to my awesome job - those have forced me to change, molded my brain and my body in ways that nothing else could have. And the more I interact with these forces of will and love the more I love the person I am becoming. Yes, sometimes I sit back and I wonder about what my life would look like if I had made different choices, and I still see a good life, a happy life, but it's not this life. I can also see humans evolving to the point where they have mutant powers and can bend time with their psychic powers (#nerd), but I'm not going to lament over the fact that it hasn't happened (yet), as totally awesome as that would be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a primordial tail to ditch and some prefrontal cortext to develop.*

*Totally just throwing those words out there. I'm not sure if I even know what they mean.  

Continental Drift

I feel like my life is like Pangea slowly shifting into the continents we know today. The changes come subtly, you hardly even notice them, but when you look at the map of life, things are so drastically different.

Kindergarten
I can't say I'm completely happy, but true to E.'s teacher's word, things took a turn for a better after February break. Mornings of agony have slowly dissipated and made room for eagerness and pleasure in all the new things E. has learned. I, of course, still have a great many issues regarding curriculum, various policies, and just a general malaise regarding what's to come in future years of school, but I've put it to bed as much as I can for now. E. is happy and that's all I could ask for...for now.

School, for me
Perhaps this is where you have the giant earthquake, the ground rumbling and rattling, volcanoes exploding, all in one quick rush. Just as suddenly as it began, it ends. The dust settles, a few species go extinct, and everything is totally different.

I've been hemming and hawing about what I was going to do with my future, feeling like I better you-know-what or get off the pot. (I think a lot of my fellow '11 grads are going through the same thing, or so my Facebook feed tells me.) I've always planned on getting my Master's, it was just a matter of...well, everything. I didn't know the when or where or what, or really even the how. After conversations with coworkers, my husband, and my mom, I decided two things.

One, I wanted a math certification. This came as a bit of a shock to me, as I never particularly enjoyed math in high school, but now, as an adult and since I've been teaching it a lot more lately, I feel like this is something a) I could competently do and b) enjoy doing. I've been told by a few people (and I realize they may have just been saying this to be supportive/nice) that my lack of enthusiasm regarding math when I was a teenager might be an asset as a math teacher.

Two, I still want to get my Master's. The thought process I'm following at the moment is that perhaps after I get my math cert I'll be teaching full time (hopefully with adult ed. - more on that in a bit) and the school district would be so kind as to pay for more courses. That said, I've also filled out a FAFSA form and submitted it. Later this spring I'll see what the financial aid gods have deigned to give me. If it's decent (i.e. not too many, if any, loans), I'll plan on taking courses this fall, likely a math and a graduate course. In the mean time, my district is paying for me to take a math course this summer, college algebra.

This all came about in less than a week, and while it's still not Grad School Far Away as I had been dreaming about, it feels good to be doing something specific that work towards my and my family's futures.

Food

I gave up sugar for Lent. I vaccilate between self-hatred for shouldering the burden of not getting to eat anything delicious for forty days and being immensely proud of myself for not eating anything delicious, despite cravings, grouchiness, some extra-long, frustrating days. Now that I'm about two weeks into it (with another three or so to go), things aren't so bad and I'm resigned to my plight. Do I fantasize about a huge bag of those crunchy, candy coated chocolate bags that Cadbury puts out this time of year? Yes, of course. But I'm surviving and haven't been driven mad for all the wanting and can't having. My hope, by the end of this trial of will and faith, that I will be able to more completely curb my appetite for sweet things as well as continue to make better choices about limiting pre-made sauces and other pre-packaged things that one wouldn't usually associate with sugar (Wasabi Peas? Really?!).

Work

Without going into too much detail (you know that's hard for me), because I could go on forever, things have shifted at work. I truly love my job. I like my students, I like my coworkers, and I like what I'm doing. I feel like I'm a part of the system, but I get to help remedy some of the issues I've begun to identify since I've stepped out of it as a student. (And by system, I don't mean the school system - I happen think we have a well-intended school district with compassionate and all-in-all good educators populating it. It's the modern American school system that needs the tremendous overhaul.)

Currently, I only teach two nights a week, and it's all very loosey goosey (which I rather like). Lately, those nights have been slow. Real slow. Which is okay, sometimes, but there's only so much busy work you can give yourself before you break out your knitting between helping your one or two students with math problems.

Finally, thankfully, we've had an influx of students and I finally have to actually teach something. I chose Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. Initially, I chose it because I knew I had a mostly written unit from English Methods back in college. But now that I've gone back and started to reread the book (my third foray into Alaska along side Chris McCandless) and have gone over the bits of that unit that survive, I feel like this is a great choice for an adult ed. student. There's a lot about taking the unconventional path in life, going against what's expected of you by others and by society, and being sure you really think about your choices, otherwise things may not go as planned.

Writing

While I haven't been blogging much (thinking about it a lot, just not doing it), I have been writing. I'm finally writing fiction again (this is where you hear me singing "reunited and it feels so goooooood!"). I'm about thirty pages into something that might just turn into Something. I don't know yet. A part of me would love to just put it all out there as I write it, like on Tumblr or something, just to see what happens, but another part of me wants to hold on to it until it's done, revised and perfect, and then slowly allow a few close friends to read it. I'd love to find a community of writers, either online or in real life, but I'm not sure where to begin.

And these are my continents. Formally tangled together and now drifting apart, seperate sections of my life that I couldn't quite pick apart and organize finally moving to their new places on my map. Of course, as with any kind of continental drift, they could easily move once more, or come slamming back into each other.