Evolution

I've been thinking today, thinking about what I'm going to write.

I read an article about the brain development of 20 somethings.

I thought about the origins of my motherhood.

I considered my love/hate relationship with labels when applied to people. (I did realize I'm okay when labels are applied to things. I would prefer to not, you know, drink poison or something.)

I have grappled with self-identity.

And what have I come away with? Motherhood, like life itself, is a beautiful evolution.

A long time ago, but really not that long ago at all, when E. was a baby, I did something kind of foolish. I honestly don't remember what it was, but my husband called me out on it. My response: "My brain is still developing - you can't expect me to always make good decisions!" My brain, like my motherhood, has been evolving. And it's that biological evolution that has fueled, in part, the changes in how I mother my children.

I've always been upfront with the many disadvantages of having kids young. There is just so much risk to everything in your life - your finances, your relationships, your sanity (though, I suppose that's up for grabs no matter when you have kids), but there are advantages, too. One of the absolute coolest things about spending your early twenties amongst the wee ones is seeing how much you change, how quickly and how drastically. I am not the person I was seven years ago, when I was pregnant with E. And, of course, most people change a lot in seven years, especially moving from 19 to twenty-six, but that change only grows exponentially when you throw children into the mix.


I moved from a neanderthal living in a cave, in terms of self-awareness and understanding, to something resembling an evolved human being. I might still be living in the Dark Ages, fighting to reach my Renaissance, but I'm moving forward and I'm starting to like what I see in myself.

I thought this was interesting (it's from that article I mentioned above) -

[Geid] and his colleagues plan to compare the brain development of girls who become pregnant in their teens to girls who do not. “Teen pregnancy changes all your priorities and what you do with your time—how do those experiences change the brain?” Arnett agrees that such neuroimaging studies would be useful. “Even in industrialized countries, a lot of people still get married pretty early. You could do brain studies comparing people who experience their twenties differently and contrast how their brains develop.”

To give some context, right before the quote above, the article's author poses this question: "Should parents encourage their 20-year-olds to shirk adult responsibilities lest they hamper an advantageous period of self-discovery and wild experimentation?"

I bring up these quotes because while they don't directly contrast my feelings that having children compounds the evolution a person takes on between the beginning of young adulthood and the end, it seems to challenge it. Basically, the article implies that because a person who chooses to take on "adult responsibilities" (i.e. family of her own, real job, etc.) they are unable to participate in a period of "self-discovery" and "wild experimentation."

You find out what you're made of when you are confronted with a challenge, particularly one that involves taking another person's life into your hands. While maybe it doesn't feel that way all the time, because, in the 21st century world, the stakes can be much lower, becoming a parent means you make sure your little person doesn't accidentally off themselves or get eaten by a wild animal in your backyard (genuine concern here in Maine). With that and any myriad of potential cultural issues to concern yourself with, parenting is precisely what the article suggests twenty-somethings need to help their brains expand! (You tell me spending five nights in a row trying to both calm a colicky baby and then figure out whenever you're going to have sex with your husband again isn't wild experimentation!)

Having my kids, being married to my husband, going to my awesome job - those have forced me to change, molded my brain and my body in ways that nothing else could have. And the more I interact with these forces of will and love the more I love the person I am becoming. Yes, sometimes I sit back and I wonder about what my life would look like if I had made different choices, and I still see a good life, a happy life, but it's not this life. I can also see humans evolving to the point where they have mutant powers and can bend time with their psychic powers (#nerd), but I'm not going to lament over the fact that it hasn't happened (yet), as totally awesome as that would be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a primordial tail to ditch and some prefrontal cortext to develop.*

*Totally just throwing those words out there. I'm not sure if I even know what they mean.  

Coming Home

'Tis the season for me to return to the blogging world. I feel like (and this could be totally off) that I tend to turn introspective in the summer, particularly as we hit that midway point, where the return to school and slew of autumn busyness is within view. I've been off on a bit of an intentional hiatus, trying to decide if I really want to maintain a blog.

I love the idea of a blog, and there are so many that I love to read. I follow the blogs of strangers, of friends, of those who's views on life are so similar to my own, and of those who I frequently find myself saying, "No, no, no!" to their posts, yet still want to read more (that takes real skill, man). I think these are my magazines, with their stories and photos and occasional how-tos and clever DIYs. And I love the interaction. Because, a magazine does not necessarily allow you close and personal access to the journalist and editor, but a blog can incite conversation and potentially ignite a friendship or realize an unforeseen kinship.

However, if you're going to keep a blog (and not simply read and drool over all the pretties in other people's lives), there is a certain amount of work that's involved and there needs to be a point (this, of course, is just my opinion and my vision if I'm the one keeping the blog). For a long time, as I've kept this blog and others, I've written my posts, taken my pictures, and just generally gone along while thinking of other blogs I'd seen and liked.

Naturally, there's bound to be some sort of influence or inspiration, but it's very difficult to keep something so personal all the while thinking of another person's work. It's a bit like being married to one man, but imagining you're married to another - you go through the motions and it seems like a marriage, but in the end it's all just an act and you aren't being true to yourself or your partner. And while I wasn't being fully true to myself, I wasn't being entirely honest with the (very few) people who read this blog and I was still dissatisfied with what I wrote.

So, I'm going to come back to my blog, but I'm going to relax, I'm going to write about whatever I want, and though I will still admire the blogs I love, rather than taking away the "what" from their blogs, I will walk away with the "why". They blog to record the things, places, and people they love. I will, too.

Continental Drift

I feel like my life is like Pangea slowly shifting into the continents we know today. The changes come subtly, you hardly even notice them, but when you look at the map of life, things are so drastically different.

Kindergarten
I can't say I'm completely happy, but true to E.'s teacher's word, things took a turn for a better after February break. Mornings of agony have slowly dissipated and made room for eagerness and pleasure in all the new things E. has learned. I, of course, still have a great many issues regarding curriculum, various policies, and just a general malaise regarding what's to come in future years of school, but I've put it to bed as much as I can for now. E. is happy and that's all I could ask for...for now.

School, for me
Perhaps this is where you have the giant earthquake, the ground rumbling and rattling, volcanoes exploding, all in one quick rush. Just as suddenly as it began, it ends. The dust settles, a few species go extinct, and everything is totally different.

I've been hemming and hawing about what I was going to do with my future, feeling like I better you-know-what or get off the pot. (I think a lot of my fellow '11 grads are going through the same thing, or so my Facebook feed tells me.) I've always planned on getting my Master's, it was just a matter of...well, everything. I didn't know the when or where or what, or really even the how. After conversations with coworkers, my husband, and my mom, I decided two things.

One, I wanted a math certification. This came as a bit of a shock to me, as I never particularly enjoyed math in high school, but now, as an adult and since I've been teaching it a lot more lately, I feel like this is something a) I could competently do and b) enjoy doing. I've been told by a few people (and I realize they may have just been saying this to be supportive/nice) that my lack of enthusiasm regarding math when I was a teenager might be an asset as a math teacher.

Two, I still want to get my Master's. The thought process I'm following at the moment is that perhaps after I get my math cert I'll be teaching full time (hopefully with adult ed. - more on that in a bit) and the school district would be so kind as to pay for more courses. That said, I've also filled out a FAFSA form and submitted it. Later this spring I'll see what the financial aid gods have deigned to give me. If it's decent (i.e. not too many, if any, loans), I'll plan on taking courses this fall, likely a math and a graduate course. In the mean time, my district is paying for me to take a math course this summer, college algebra.

This all came about in less than a week, and while it's still not Grad School Far Away as I had been dreaming about, it feels good to be doing something specific that work towards my and my family's futures.

Food

I gave up sugar for Lent. I vaccilate between self-hatred for shouldering the burden of not getting to eat anything delicious for forty days and being immensely proud of myself for not eating anything delicious, despite cravings, grouchiness, some extra-long, frustrating days. Now that I'm about two weeks into it (with another three or so to go), things aren't so bad and I'm resigned to my plight. Do I fantasize about a huge bag of those crunchy, candy coated chocolate bags that Cadbury puts out this time of year? Yes, of course. But I'm surviving and haven't been driven mad for all the wanting and can't having. My hope, by the end of this trial of will and faith, that I will be able to more completely curb my appetite for sweet things as well as continue to make better choices about limiting pre-made sauces and other pre-packaged things that one wouldn't usually associate with sugar (Wasabi Peas? Really?!).

Work

Without going into too much detail (you know that's hard for me), because I could go on forever, things have shifted at work. I truly love my job. I like my students, I like my coworkers, and I like what I'm doing. I feel like I'm a part of the system, but I get to help remedy some of the issues I've begun to identify since I've stepped out of it as a student. (And by system, I don't mean the school system - I happen think we have a well-intended school district with compassionate and all-in-all good educators populating it. It's the modern American school system that needs the tremendous overhaul.)

Currently, I only teach two nights a week, and it's all very loosey goosey (which I rather like). Lately, those nights have been slow. Real slow. Which is okay, sometimes, but there's only so much busy work you can give yourself before you break out your knitting between helping your one or two students with math problems.

Finally, thankfully, we've had an influx of students and I finally have to actually teach something. I chose Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. Initially, I chose it because I knew I had a mostly written unit from English Methods back in college. But now that I've gone back and started to reread the book (my third foray into Alaska along side Chris McCandless) and have gone over the bits of that unit that survive, I feel like this is a great choice for an adult ed. student. There's a lot about taking the unconventional path in life, going against what's expected of you by others and by society, and being sure you really think about your choices, otherwise things may not go as planned.

Writing

While I haven't been blogging much (thinking about it a lot, just not doing it), I have been writing. I'm finally writing fiction again (this is where you hear me singing "reunited and it feels so goooooood!"). I'm about thirty pages into something that might just turn into Something. I don't know yet. A part of me would love to just put it all out there as I write it, like on Tumblr or something, just to see what happens, but another part of me wants to hold on to it until it's done, revised and perfect, and then slowly allow a few close friends to read it. I'd love to find a community of writers, either online or in real life, but I'm not sure where to begin.

And these are my continents. Formally tangled together and now drifting apart, seperate sections of my life that I couldn't quite pick apart and organize finally moving to their new places on my map. Of course, as with any kind of continental drift, they could easily move once more, or come slamming back into each other.

Popping in with Half a Thought

Did you know being a mom is exhausting? It is so, so tiring?! Where are these bloggy ladies getting all this time to write beautiful blog posts and take perfectly composed pictures and make all this delicious stuff? (It should be noted that I take a lot of time late at night reading other really awesome blogs.) Clearly their priorities are different than mine. (I watched two hours' worth of Scandal today.) Or maybe their sweet babies have regular (read: "normal") eating habits and, actually, I don't know...sleep. (I nursed M. for about two hours' worth of those Scandal episodes today. He slept for maybe half of one.)

While I've been trying to find a rhythm that fits nicely with our family, I've been trying to carve out time for me to write within that rhythm. It's part of that whole idea that Mama needs something for herself on top of everything else she does.

But, damn, I do a whole lot.

Back to School

I think I really need to start taking some grad courses. You know you have school deprivation when you easily pick up a textbook-grade paperback and flip through it like it's Us Weekly (you also know you've been out of school too long if you debate whether or not you ought to italicise the name of a magazine, both because you care and because you don't know the answer).

A few weeks ago I showed up at our library with a list of seven books. Seven books that did not contain characters that were married to sexy Scottish warriors, scheming dwarves (who also somehow manage to be sexy, in that smart guy kind of way), or have anything even remotely to do with Edwardian England (hello, Downton Abbey withdrawal). They were all books related to Waldorf education, either from a parenting or a curriculum/education perspective.

Over the next few days the books came in and I spent a lot of time at the library, schlepping small children, who both love books, but would have preferred to be outside (well, I suppose the baby didn't care, but E. most certainly did).

I don't know that E. would agree, but I'll say, so far, it's been worth it. I'm about halfway through the pile, having read three and a half of the books (I'm literally smack in the middle of my fourth) and I have learned so much. There is a sense of empowerment that comes with being presented with new tools in life, particularly in parenting. There have been so many areas where I have felt helpless and have known in the back of my mind that my way of doing things needed to be changed. Now I understand why I need to make changes, and I'm attempting to make those changes. It's not easy, but it feels so good to try and to see positive results.

I doubt all this sort of vague hinting about at what I've learned and am still discovering is terribly interesting, but I hope to eventually synthesize it into more bite sized (and interesting) bits here, if only for my own reference.

So, after I become an expert in Waldorf education, I fully intend to return to my "fun" books (including and not limited to presidents' killing vampires, more hot Scottish warriors, dragons, and maybe moving back in time to Victorian England, either with Austen or Dickens, not sure). Learning new things is undeniably good, but one does need a bit of variety, right?

What are you learning about?

Starting Over, All Over

Here we are. Again (well, again if you're familiar with any other blog I've written, and there have been a few). I'm really quite good at starting over. I think it's a secret joy of mine, creating and recreating these little spaces online (well, maybe not so secret, since it's rather public). So, while I find a lot of fun in starting these spaces up, I do hope to keep this one going for a while longer than my last start up (which lasted from January to July of this year - those posts have been imported here). And though I could go into the great saga that has been my "This Domestic Life" blog, I won't. I'll simply say that I've given up on Wordpress, moved my blog love back to Blogger, and that you can find my previous thoughts and account of my pregnancy with M. here. I also kept a blog here before that one.

All right, enough housekeeping. On to blogging.