Itchy

I have a very bad tendency to spread myself mentally thin. I take on so many projects in my head (even if I'm not actually doing anything) that I become overwhelmed, which is usually quickly followed by feeling angry and then feeling out of control.

I have lots of wants, lots of things I'd like to do, all piled on top of an extensive list of things I need to do, but are a whole lot less desirable to start than the likes and wants. And when I begin trying to mentally sort it all out I hit a pretty thick brick wall of frustration.

Then I want to run away. I talk to my husband grad school in another state. I suggest he take up long haul truck driving (he does have the license for it) and we all live on a big rig and travel the country. I think about just leaving, just me, and going away somewhere, like Europe or Antartica (a la Where'd You Go Bernadette - I feel a certain kinship with the title character).

What usually happens, though, is I get mad, have myself a mini break-down and a bit of a cry. I leave, though my body is still there. I just can't be present. If I'm lucky, like I am today, my husband's home and I can get in my car and drive around by myself. Today, I drove to a gas station and bought pretzels, chocolate, and milk. I ate in my car. Then I came here, to the library.

I don't know if I feel better. I feel...okay. But I also feel like I'm wasting time, and those wants and like and needs are still pressing in on me a bit, though perhaps they are a bit more barricaded and I'm safe for a bit longer. I feel like I need to get something done, but I just don't know what that something is. It's like having an itch. You feel horribly itchy, but no matter where you scratch, how hard, how long, it just doesn't go away. The itchy feeling overwhelms you until you just want to curl up in a ball.

Here is a list of all the things I'd love to do, which I keep thinking about, but can't seem to settle, can't seem to start, for lots of different reasons (and often because they contradict themselves):

• Homeschool E. and M. either for a year or two or forever
• Teach full time
• Stay with Adult Ed. 
• Get my certification to teach at a Waldorf school
• Move to another state
• Live off the grid
• Buy a new house
• Write a book
• Have a veggie garden
• Have chickens and pigs and cows
• Live in one of those crazy tiny little houses that are only, like 500 square feet or something
• Be debt free
• Start a private or charter school
• Work in education at the state and then national level
• Actually have enough inventory to open my Etsy shop for realz
• Put together the nursing cover I designed (yes, I designed a nursing cover)
• Learn to knit really, really well
• Go to graduate school (Harvard and Antioch University are calling my name...)
• Hike places
• Travel internationally
• Travel nationally
• Sleep

You see what's floating around in my head? These aren't the things that I sit back and think, "Oh, someday..." This is all what I want now, knowing full well I likely can't have half of these things now, if ever. Yet in my head they stay and scramble to sort them all out or tell them to be quiet for a bit. And it so badly pulls my attention away from tasks at hand, people at hand, that I sometimes wonder if I'm starting to become transparent, because I am so not there. 

I often wonder when our futures will look more clear. I don't know what's going to happen a year or two down the road and perhaps it's that which makes the above list so insane. There is so much flux in our lives I wish I could just make one big huge change or have something big and huge to work towards in the not so distant future to help bring my whole life back into orbit.

Yes, I think I'm missing my gravitational center. Now I need to go find it. 

Summer!!

School's out for summer! After eight weeks back to work post maternity leave and what seems like the longest weekend of my life (we had to go back for JUST ONE MORE DAY on Monday), we're officially on summer vacation.

And this summer we're trying something a bit different. While looking for a bit more structure to help me keep both E. and myself occupied, I've found myself coming up with theme weeks. Obviously I don't want to take the fun and sweet, lazy flow out of our summer, especially since E. will be starting Kindergarten at the end of August. It will be a busy time, for certain, so I don't want to overwhelm her with lots of "work."

I've tried to pick themes that we can all enjoy, be involved in, have some fun trips, but also be able to find things to do at home. I also wanted to be able to be flexible, plan around things we naturally do during the summer, and leave myself feeling like we weren't tied down to doing really specific things.

Each week has one sort of "field trip" planned. Some are as simple as visiting an art gallery in town (we have THREE) or going for a hike on the trails near our house. Others require more planning and a bit of money, like visiting a train museum in New Hampshire or seeing a play at a local theater (which I'll have to post about sometime - if you're ever in south western Maine, Deertrees Theatre is the place to be).

I'm also pinning up crafts and other activities like crazy (my summer themes pin board can be found here). I'm planning on doing one small activity or craft each day along with reading books that are related to that week's theme. Along with those, I wanted to work with E. on her letters and numbers. She has a lot of it down and I think that she's developmentally ready to tackle something a bit more intense and enjoy the challenge of it (versus feeling overwhelmed). I also really want to do a cooking or baking activity. E. loves to cook and I love trying new recipes, and I need to work on my patience with having other people (particularly small people) in the kitchen with me.

So, with all that said, here are our themes:

• Farms (this week E. will be going to camp at Broadturn Farm, so most of the activities will be through that; I'll supplement with books and a cooking/baking activity)
• Fantasy and Fairytales (we're planning on going to a puppet show of Pinocchio this week)
• Gardens (I'm hoping to get a lot of work done in my own garden)
• The Ocean (we go to the ocean a lot, so this week should be easy to work in)
• Arts and Crafts (E. is very excited about having an art show at the end of this week for our family)
• Healthy Me (I currently see a nutritionist and I will be taking E. to one of my appointments during this week - maybe we'll even do a special trip to the grocery store and farmers' market, too)
• Maps and Geography (this might be the week I'm most excited about - I love making and following maps!)
• Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (I'd love to visit an airport and watch the planes take off during this week)
• Kindergarten Readiness (this will be our last full week of summer; the main focus will be helping E. get ready for the big change, visiting the school, playing at the playground there, planning fun lunches and snacks for her to bring)

My biggest goal for each of these theme weeks is to keep them fun and fairly cheap and to relax. I'm very good in getting wrapped in how I think things should be, but frequently my original vision and how things turn out can be quite different and that's okay (I tell myself repeatedly).

 Above all, I'm really keen to see how everything turns out, and if all goes well, to think about what we'll be doing next summer!

A Birthday In Pictures

A bit more about the silks...

Silky Goodness

The girl's birthday is Monday. She'll be five. I can't quite believe it. For one, it hardly seems as though enough time has past since she was born, and for two, I hardly feel old enough to be a mother of a five year old who will be registered for Kindergarten in less than a month.

But her birthday is coming whether I want her to grow any older or not, which means presents. This year, though five is one of those big birthdays, my husband and I decided to go light. We know she's going to get lots of stuff from her grandparents and aunts and uncles. She may not be the only grandkid any more, but it's clear the arrival of her baby brother won't stop her doting family members from spoiling her. She also just got a ton of stuff in February and March from well meaning friends and family who wanted to have a gift for her as well as the baby when they came to visit. All very nice, but we've officially accumulated more toys than a Toys 'R' Us warehouse. I really don't feel like adding to the hoard. 

Baby Brother modeling Big Sister's birthday gift

With that in mind, I decided play silks would a great gift. Now, these probably aren't exactly like the play silks you can buy on Etsy or through Waldorf-based toy stores, either online or in person. Those are a bit lighter, more scarf-like, and are way more expensive than the $24 I spent at Joann's Fabric. While searching for some to buy online I saw prices as high as $75 for six, rather small silks. I love my daughter, but there was no way I was spending $75. I also saw tutorials on how to hand dye your own silks with Kool Aide. Awesome idea, much less expensive, but I have a newborn - it would have never happened. 

So, as mentioned, off to Joann's I went and I bought six 2 foot pieces of satin in a variety of colors. Then I found a seriously adorable little wooden chest and a glittery foam crown, deciding this year, the girl was going to get a princess treasure chest filled with beautiful silks and a crown to match. 

I'm really excited. 

Okay, what's so cool about play silks? Well, if you're a four-almost-five-year-old girl, you like silky, shiny, pretty colored fabric (this goes for 25-year-old girls, too). They are filled with endless possibilities, from fancy dresses, super hero capes, baby blankets, or backdrops for Barbie's next fabulous gala. And since my daughter is constantly getting into my fabric stashes, I thought it would be great for her to have her own stock to play with. 

I first heard about play silks when researching the Waldorf philosophy of education back in college. While I'm not completely sold on all things Waldorf, there are definitely aspects I love, particularly the strong emphasis on imaginative play and storytelling. In my opinion, more than any other toy that's considered a "Waldorf toy", play silks are the best, most open ended, most easily recreated, and can translate with any kid, even if you have nothing to do with this particular style of education. 

Pieces of fabric are right up there with balls and sticks as kids' first toys, and they are certainly kids' first imaginative play toys. How many of us built forts or created costumes from old sheets and blankets? The silks take it one step further by adding a really nice aesthetic and texture that helps keep kids coming back for more and more. 

So this is my first Waldorf toy and the first gift I've made for the girl (though I really did absolutely nothing...I don't know how "homemade" it actually is). Next project I'd love to take on that's Waldorf based and hand/homemade?: 

These hand kites can be found here on Etsy. 

I think these hand kites look so cool and so much fun. I can totally see the girl having a blast picking out ribbon colors, helping me tie them to a dowel or other handheld wooden object, and then sprinting around our yard this summer like a little sprite.

Stay tuned to see how everything goes over on Monday. I'm hoping the girl is just as excited as I am!