Cooking Lessons

Over the summer, during a brief appearance back here on the blog, I mentioned that I had spoken with my dietician about binge eating disorder (BED), something that she and I both felt I was dealing with, though, thankfully, not to an extreme degree. Since then I've done some reading, some pinning, and started (and then stopped) a blog about dealing with my food issues. All have been helpful, but not terribly proactive. I'm super awesome at figuring out what's wrong, but I'm terrible at fixing it, even when I'm presented with a slew of great solutions.

I'm trying to move away from passivity in my actions towards activity. Number one on my list, because it's the most exciting to me, is to start trying to cook well. I will be the first to admit that I am a sub par cook at best. In theory, like a lot of things with me, I love the idea of cooking, to create something with love and is also delicious. But the temperament required for cooking well, I think, is not well suited to mine - patient, detail-oriented (good cooks) vs. impatient, day-dreamy and scattered (me). Throw two young children into the mix and my fall back meals of pizza (granted, it's homemade) and spaghetti start to make a bit more sense.

I think that if I am able to cook quality food for myself and my family a few other things will fall into place to help me discover more appropriate eating habits. Of course, I'm also reading the BED version of Love What You Eat, Eat What You Love by Dr. Michelle May and should probably start implementing the suggestions she makes in there, but thinking about food is way easier.

My goal here isn't necessarily to make healthier foods (though, I want to and really need to back off the breads and pastas), but to put effort and care into what I make so I can enjoy the whole food experience, allowing the emotions that go with the experience replace some of the emotion behind over eating/binge eating. One of the major issues a person who deals with BED has is eating mindlessly and too quickly. The food isn't really the centerpiece, but the relief of whatever negative feeling you have. By giving myself the gift of time and effort to create a meal that needs to really be enjoyed, I start to shift how I look at the food and how the food is used.

From hapless cook to master chef! (And yes, I do own two ice cream scoops, and I had planned to do this picture with our ice cream...but I ate it.)

So, this is my seven step plan of execution, because we always need a plan, right?

1. Pick a day or night when I know my husband will be home and not exhausted from work. 
2. Pick a recipe that is challenging, but won't overwhelm me. Read the whole thing through to make sure I have everything I need.
3. Make sure the kitchen is clean so I don't get distracted by cleaning and can focus on the food and relax. 
4. Have the hubs take the kids out or down to the den for some daddy time so I can focus.
5. Drink some wine. 
6. Eat the delicious meal I will cook with my family, consciously and slowly. 
7. Repeat once a week.

My hope is that as I get more experience under my belt (or my kids get a little bit older), I will be able to do this more than once a week. Regardless of when I do this "special" cooking, my hope is that the lessons I learn from cooking and eating mindfully will come to mind every time I sit down to eat, not just during those weekly meals. 

P.S. Here's a link to my "Cooking Lessons" pinterest board. It has the start of some basic, multi-purpose recipes and different techniques and free, online cooking lessons.

Long Time, No See, But...

It's been a while, so let's jump in with something big, shall we?

I have been going to see a nutritionist, Dona, since 2012. I was at my heaviest then, a weight too embarrassing to share publicly. Between January 2012 and May 2012, I lost roughly forty pounds. It wasn't everything I needed to lose, by a long shot, but it was a great start. That May, I got pregnant with M. and trying to lose weight went out the window. I did try to continue to eat well, but pregnancy sure was a good excuse to overindulge (I thought).

After M. was born, I obviously wanted to lose the baby weight and get back on track with healthier eating. Off and on I would go through spurts of really trying to watch what I ate, going to see Dona regularly, and just generally being "good" about what I ate. And then I would go through bouts of total food annihilation. No foods (except for maybe veggies) were safe. I would eat and eat and eat. Maybe there would be a "good" day in between, but generally my eating habits sucked. Finally, enough days would go by where I felt like total crap when I went to bed, stomach too full to get comfortable, and the scale tipping just ways too far in the wrong direction. Then I would feel very guilty - not too guilty, mind you, because I am excellent at rationalizing the things I do to avoid that very feeling - but still, that nasty turn of the stomach feeling would sneak in.

Once that unsettling feeling of guilt finally got to me, I would lay awake at night and promise myself and the ethos that the next day would be better. I would call Dona and make an appointment (because, you see, I had already missed two). I would go for that run that I said I would do for the last two weeks. I would make sure I ate better. I. Would. Be. Good.

And then I would be "good". And then I would be "bad" again. And my weight? Well, luckily for me, it stayed roughly the same, until very recently, where in the last two months I gained about five pounds, then lost it and another ten with it (more on that later).

I ask you to notice two things about what I just wrote. First, note my focus on why I wanted to do better with my eating. Weight-loss. Now, I could write a whole post (and maybe I will) on the media and pop culture and women who are bigger than allowed by their standards, but for now I will say that I am like almost any other warm blooded American women in that I see these "standards" in which I am expected to live up and they scare me into thinking I better start laying off the cupcakes and doing that thirty-day ab challenge a bunch of my Facebook friends are doing. And, that's not to say that eating fewer cupcakes or doing crunches is a bad thing, because it's certainly not, but when it's not coming from an emotionally healthy place the results that come will likely soon be erased.

That brings me to the second thing I want you to see - my cycle. My cycle of "binge, repent, repeat" (Dr. Michelle May) is something I've done for as long as I can remember, though I never realized what a problem it was until I was older, just as I was starting to see Dona. I looked at it very distinctly as being "good" versus being "bad". The quotes around these words, by the way, aren't there for some weird, pretentious reason. They're there to highlight that the terms good and bad are very subjective here. I'm not out to actively harm myself when I eat poorly, though I surely am. And, to be honest, when I eat well, the reasons aren't always good ones (like improved health, better performance when I run, or longevity so I can enjoy my family for as long as possible).

These two things are just parts of the multifaceted puzzle that makes up binge-eating disorder, a disorder with which I've been tentatively identified.

A definition from the Binge Eating Disorder Association:
Binge eating disorder is characterized by recurring episodes of binge eating, feeling out of control while binging, and feeling guilt and shame afterward.

I can imagine some reading this and thinking, "Geez, why can't the fatty just stop eating? It's her own fault." And there isn't a whole lot I can say to counter that, because, on some level, I agree. But, the truth is, I can't "just stop" binging. It's my source of comfort when everything else around me feels out of control or fills me with anxiety. It's my cigarette, my beer, my opiate. Food is my drug*. There are chemical and emotional strings attached to every bite I take, and while I do not withdraw ownership over many of the food choices I make, both good and bad, each choice is tinged with this unhealthy relationship, which I have not chosen to have.

I'll end this by saying I'm not under any allusions that this is the same as a heroin addiction or will devastate my body and family in the same fashion as something like bulimia or anorexia, but it is a battle, my battle, and one that is long overdue.  



*And in fact, one of the risk factors of having binge-eating disorder is previous addictions.

Breakfast of Champions

Hit with inspiration this morning as I was making myself some breakfast, I came up with a new little sugar free, yet still sweet, treat for myself. Of course, I wouldn't be shocked if someone else has already devised this idea, considering it's based on something else I know I've seen on Pinterest dozens of times, but I haven't seen quite this version yet and as I'm a bit enamored with it, I thought I'd share.

So, who doesn't like ice cream for breakfast? Or, at least, maybe you like the idea of ice cream for breakfast, but you're trying to be good. Well, I've found your way out - you can have your frosty treat this morning and have your healthy day, too. This is my all too easy recipe for a yummy, filling, and healthful Breakfast Ice Cream.

Ingredients:
(Note: I'm not very good about measuring out ingredients, so all measurements, except for the bananas, are rough approximates. Eyeball to your own taste.)

2 frozen bananas
1/4 old fashioned oats
1/4 cup nut butter (I used organic peanut butter)
2-3 Tbs. of milk (I used almond milk and you could use any liquid you think might work/taste good, even water)

Directions:
1.) Under hot water, rinse your bananas until just slightly defrosted, but still pretty hard (you want to be able to get the peals off relatively easily, but that's it).

2.) Add bananas and oats to a blender or food processor. Blend until well mixed.

3.) Add milk and peanut butter. Blend until the mixture has a soft serve ice cream consistency.

4.) Spoon into a bowl and enjoy!

Personalize it!
Bananas are naturally very sweet, so you can easily add cocoa powder without additional sweetener and have a chocolate-y ice cream. Or leave out the nut butter out and add different fruits or nuts (or seeds, like chia or flax) or spices (Ooh! Freeze some pumpkin puree, add that and some nutmeg and cinnamon - that would be so delicious!).

Quick note on the ingredients: 
So, I chose my ingredients for specific reasons, not just willy-nilly, here's why:

Bananas - these add a really nice, ice cream-like texture. Plus, they're healthy and sweet!

Nut butter - I love nut butters, especially peanut butter, so there's that, but there is also the extra oomph of protein and healthy fats that help boost your energy first thing in the morning.

Oats - Compared to some other carbs, they have a lower Glycemic Index rating, so they release sugar more slowly into your body, so you're not going to crash and you'll not hungry as quickly. Plus, oats are packed with wonderful nutrients, like iron, folic acid (Hey pregnant mamas! Get your ice cream fix this way!), and calcium. PLUS, if you're a nursing mama like me, oats have been attributed to boosting milk supply (this is a great article on KellyMom explaining the thoughts behind why). When I eat something with oats in it every morning (like a cereal/oatmeal or a smoothie) my supply usually gets a really good boost. If you're not a fan of oatmeal, this might be a nice alternative.